They say Authors should keep a writing journal. But for the past months I’ve been able to accomplish only the minimal that my life necessitates. I can’t focus, worry consumes me, people weigh heavily on my mind to an almost obsessive state.
I ponder their whereabout, if they’re okay, can’t they catch a break, or will they have the stamina to overcome their own life choices and situations?
Meanwhile, I can’t shake the constant fear. Will the phone ring, and if so, will someone I love be on the other end crying, hurt, or in need of salvation? Or will I once and for all receive that dreaded phone call telling me of their demise. Will they be ready for salvation? A salvation that only they have the power to administer.
Meanwhile, the stigmata of the female persona haunts me, a minor thing considered all that inhabits my mind. But I’ve grown heavy. I didn’t put on make-up and the majority of the socially acceptable clothes like jeans hurt my arthritic hips. Due to a cut-me-out of a car accident high heels and shoes hurt my feet. I am slow to do some household chores due to my physical condition. Then my reality hits. No one is visiting, nor will anyone stop by so who gives a F**K!
If I summon enough strength to wash my hair and put on clean clothes. That in and of itself is an accomplishment.
Yes, my books don’t have rocket sales, because I can’t muster the energy to promote. But that is okay. uf I can manage to breathe through one more torturous, unfocused and anxiety full day… I’ll be fine.
Living with Bi-Polar depression sucks, having weak feet from an almost fatal car crash sucks, having real concerns for those I love sucks, but what I must concentrate on is Breathing…
I am worthy of breathing my next breath.
Thus, is why I do not write a journey for I choose NOT to be pitied or judged. This is my reality, my illness, my life and somehow I manage to thrive. I know “This too shall pass” because I have lived a lifetime though these dark emotional times and I am a survivor! Maybe someone out there needs to know…
It’s okay to not feel right all the time. It’s okay to take some downtime. Just breathe, strive for better, but set just one small goal to accomplish today.